I sometimes wonder if I’m screwing up my kids…. When I’m lying awake at night, (I’ve struggled with insomnia for many years,) I worry that the choices I make are somehow traumatizing our children – a bit over dramatic, I know but, I come from a long line of worriers so it’s to be expected. I’ve even thought that perhaps I should never have had kids – that I’m just not cut out to be a mom. I know I’m not alone here. Why can’t we just have a “normal” life?
I may not be a good mom. But am I enough? I’m the mother my kids got. I do believe we’re not given to people by accident – these are the kids we were meant to have. Is love enough? If you love your children from the depths of your soul, with every fibre of your being, to the moon and back, is that enough? If you won’t ever give up searching for answers, for treatment to get them well, is that enough? I hope so. I’m doing my best with the life we’ve been given. Sometimes I’m all out of patience. Sometimes I want to run away – but I don’t. Being a parent to a brilliant, special needs child has made me feel so many feelings I didn’t even know I had. This crazy, invisible-to-outsiders, make-me-pull-out-my-own-hair, fall-to-my-feet-in-tears, want-to-go-outside-and-scream-obscenities life is our “normal.”
I hope that when our children are grown up and have survived this tumultuous childhood they won’t think: “Wow! Mom really screwed us up!” Is it just this generation of mothers who so often feel like failures and carry so much guilt, or did our mothers and grandmothers feel this way too?”
I think instead of lying in bed at night thinking of the things I did wrong today, I should focus on the things I did right, and be hopeful for tomorrow. My deepest wish is for them to be healthy and feel happy and loved.
There are so many times when I feel like I can’t cope with this hell anymore. Why did this happen to us? But somehow I always do cope. Somehow I’m okay. (Even though life seems like a broken mess. I am not broken.) It think it’s called survival and hopefully there will come a time when we don’t just have to survive life – we can actually enjoy living it. Until then, I’m gonna keep telling myself – “You got this, mama! You are enough!”